Just, Random Stuff

I think this blog post is more for me than anything else. Like how people write in diaries, no one reads it, but they still write all this stuff anyway. It's good to write your thoughts down, that way they don't stay trapped in your head. I'm just gonna say whatever's on my mind. I guess that's how all blog posts should be, though, right?

Sean stayed over at my dorm last night. He told his roommate he would find somewhere else to stay because his roommate had people over and Sean is a nice guy like that. It was pretty fun, we just chilled and Sean messed up my room, the usual. I actually played Socom all night. I had a craving for it and just couldn't resist. It was really fun. For those of you that don't know, Socom is this Playstation 2 game I like a lot, because it's this shooter game where you are a U.S. Navy Seal, and the part that is addicting is that you can play it online with thousands of other people. Which is what I did all last night. I played really well last night. I went to this "Pistols Only" room and was dominating. I'm good in the video game, I bet I could be a good Navy Seal. I mean, it doesn't look that hard. Haha. Only kidding.

Wow, I just opened up my blinds and all I see is clear blue sky. Which reminds me, I haven't been outside yet today. And that reminds me that I didn't go to church this morning. I'll just admit it; I've barely gone to church this semester. I feel really guilty about it, and I know I'm missing out on a lot of stuff that I need by not going. I guess I've fallen short in a lot of areas this semester...I'm looking forward to going to church back in Dallas. And next semester. I'm going to start going to church regularly. Because I don't like not going to church...and I don't think God is too fond about it either.

I have a sociology final in less than 24 hours. But I don't feel like studying. I need to, though. I would rather just be outside, though. Doing something, with somebody. I don't know what my deal is. All my life, I've been a "loner". I've always enjoyed being alone and have never had a problem with being by myself. But, this past year, I just love being with people. I always want to be with people, hanging out with someone, talking, walking, eating with someone...and I get really lonely when I'm by myself. I mean, sure, it sounds fine, wanting to be with people. But I never used to feel like this. I never used to feel so vulnerable to loneliness. It's kind of weird, and not fun at times. And it makes me want a girlfriend more, just to be honest. I never like being in a state of "wanting a girlfriend", but sometimes I just wish I had someone to be close to and all those great things that come along with having one. But, I know that at the right time, God will bring the right person along. So I'm not worried about it really. I just sometimes wish I had that someone now. I know that God will help me with the whole "loneliness" thing if I just ask him. I probably just haven't really given that to him. Like everything else. You'd think it was easy to just hand something over to God, to surrender it to him. But I find I'm very bad at consistently doing that.

Last night, after playing Socom, I was watching a tiny bit of TV before I fell asleep. Being a Sunday morning, I found Lakewood Church on TV and was listening to Joel Osteen's sermon. I think God wanted me to listen to that. He said this verse that I thought was pretty cool. "But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands." Psalm 31:14-15. I just thought that was cool. Our times are in his hands: what's going to happen and when it is going to happen. And he has a perfect plan for my life. That's what gets me through a lot of my days. I mean, to be honest, that's why I can live, because I know my times are in his hands. Without knowing that, I don't know if I could make it through life. Not that I have some really hard life, because I am very blessed. But we all need God. I know I do, and I don't think I could make it without him.

This paragraph is for someone who I hope is reading this blog post. If not, well, it will just be good for me to say it anyway. I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I know any wrongs are in the past and are forgiven, but it saddens me so much to know that you trusted me with your feelings and I let you down. I'm not a perfect person, and I do a lot of stupid stuff. I'm just sorry that some of my mistakes had to involve you, and hurt you so badly. You were the last person in the world I ever wanted to cause pain and hurt. I know I've said sorry before, more than once, it's just I realize new things every day. And I feel like I just realized something new again. And I needed to express how much it hurt me, to know I hurt you. I hate how we can't seem to understand each other about certain things. I hate feeling like things are unresolved, and when we can't seem to agree about something or understand each other, it feels like something unresolved to me. I know sometimes I just need to leave it unresolved for the moment and let things work out as they will. I'm okay with that. I have to be okay with that, I don't think I really have a choice. It still just bothers me to have a misunderstanding like this. I'm sorry for assuming so much. I just say the worst scenario in my head, hoping that you will say that's not true. I'm sorry I'm so flawed sometimes. I always tell myself I won't mess up again, and I will make upfor the mistakes I've made. But, I think I realize now that I will probably make more mistakes concerning you in the future. I hope you understand that I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry for sounding frustrated when we talk sometimes. It's just frustrating to feel like we don't understand each other. Whatever happens, I just want you to know that I care about you a lot, and I want the best for you. You deserve only the best. And I know you're in God's hands, so that's what you will get.

Well, I think I've emptied my brain. I guess that's the only way I can put it. I feel better, though. I just needed to say a lot of stuff. Just like the title of my bog, I have a lot of thoughts, and I needed to say them. Good thing I created this blog.

Enjoy your day.