the non-religious me

I couldn’t find You in the sermons
I couldn’t find You in the songs
I couldn’t find You Sunday morning
And that’s when I knew something had gone wrong
I couldn’t see You in the reading
I couldn’t hear You in my prayers
I couldn’t feel You in my feelings
And I began to fear that You weren’t there

Then I thought I heard a sound
Somewhere in me
You said to stoop way down
And that’s where You’d be

I never thought I’d find You here
Way down in my shame and fear
I never thought that You’d draw near to this: my faithlessness
I never thought to look for You
In this ditch that I’ve been crawling through
I never thought You’d listen to the plea
Of the non-religious me

They told me they’d be praying for me
And then they showed me to the door
They made it clear that they’d ignore me
Until I wasn’t struggling anymore
That’s when I started feeling guilty
This must’ve been my fault somehow
If only I’d been stronger, maybe
I would not be in this mess right now

Then I saw a nail-scarred hand
Bleeding on me
You said, “I understand”
And You showed me mercy

I never thought I’d find You here
Way down in my shame and fear
I never thought that You’d draw near to this: my faithlessness
I never thought to look for You
In this valley I’ve been crawling through
I never thought You’d listen to the plea
Of the non-religious me

If we have no room for strugglers
Where are they to go for answers?
Didn’t Jesus ask His Father for another way?
And what does that sayAbout the way we handle
People when they’re faith is fragile?
Even Jesus slipped and stumbled when He
Carried the cross
Now the curse of the law is gone
And in it’s place: amazing grace

Blessed are the poor in spirit
The Kingdom will belong to them
Your love is strong but still they fear that
You would never let them in
God, I am a true believer
Help me overcome my unbelief
I stepped out on the raging water
And now I’m sinking in the sea

I never thought You’d find me here
Drowning in my shame and fear
I never thought that You’d draw near to this: my faithlessness
I never thought to look for You
In this valley I’ve been crawling through
I never thought You’d listen to the plea
Of the non-religious me