Her...

I'm so tired of thinking about her. I don't know if this means something is wrong with me...but I just think about her a lot. It's been worse lately. And I hate when I dream about her the most. It really sucks waking up. I just love being with her. I love talking to her, and just sharing things with her. And I love listening to her. I love never being awkward or embarassed when I'm with her. I love going places with her, and laughing at things with her. And I think she is beautiful. I adore her, and I wish I could stop. I know eventually I can, but it's hard to when I think about all the things I just said. I guess it's just really hard to understand why there can't be an "us" anymore. Apparently we're not right for each other, but maybe I'm too blind to see that. I don't really know anymore.

Maybe I put too much emphasis on romantic relationships, but I just can't wait to be with that person that I love and loves me for our whole lives. I know that marriage, and life, is hard, but I'll have someone I love to go through it with.

I'm reading "Blue Like Jazz" right now, and there's a chapter about romance. It was really cool, because the author talks about his married friend. Basically, what his friend told him is that marriage is not something that finally makes you complete. He thought that when he got married, he would feel complete, and like that person that loves him unconditionally and totally understands him is finally there. He admitted that marriage was great, but it doesn't complete you. Even his wife doesn't totally understand him and know all of his thoughts. Only God does. And I seek sometimes to fulfill that longing for someone to love me, to totally understand me, from someone here on earth. But, I know that not even my wife will know me and love me like God does. I guess that's something I need to get through my head.

Right now, I feel like I'm just going through life blind. I just feel so confused a lot of the time. It's really hard to trust that God is leading me, and that everything that is happening is part of his great plan for my life. There are just so many moments along the way of emptiness, loneliness, confusion, hurt, and frustration. Don't get me wrong, I know life is a great thing. I definitely enjoy it. But, there's just a lot of hurt along the way. When I'm really honest, though, a lot of the hurt I've felt has had to do with a girl. I don't really know what that means. Maybe I put too much emphasis on relationships. Whatever is not right, I want fixed. I don't want to hurt all the time. And I'm afraid that until I get this fixed, I will continue to be hurt very easily. I guess I can't really fix it, though. Well, I can try, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get there without God's help.