When I Can't Handle Thinking Anymore

So, I said I wasn't going to write in this blog anymore. It only took one day for me to decide that wasn't true.

Well, I was lying in bed, and I just couldn't stop thinking, about literally everything. I kinda started to pray, but I felt like it just wasn't going well. I need to either talk to somebody or write out what's going on. I decided that I'm going to write stuff out, kind of as a prayer. So, God, this is to you, I don't know if it will make sense. I hope I can write all the crazy thoughts and emotions that are going through my mind. Please allow me to. I need to let this stuff out.

God, I just flat out do not understand life. Here's what it comes down to. It seems like I'm hurting all the time. Lord, I feel so incredibly empty. I feel SO alone, and empty. Why won't you take that emptiness away. I have cried out to You for so long, and I still feel the same. I am plagued day, and night, with thoughts about her. It just drives me crazy. And it just hurts so badly. So, basically, concerning her: I miss her, Lord. I'm trying so hard to totally trust You that You are in control of every relationship in my life. But I can't deny that I miss being close to her. After I read that AIM convo that I had saved from this past summer last night, I thought a lot about some stuff too. Like...I just hope I didn't mess something up that was intended to be good, and to last. Lord, I make so many mistakes. I really really really want to stop making the same stupid mistakes over and over again. You have to know that I mean that earnestly, Lord. I dunno, just after reading that convo, I just felt so horrible about it. It was a fight, and I felt horrible about things I said in there. I wish really badly that I could go back to that day and just go about that conversation differently. I did things that were wrong this summer, and it hurt You, and it hurt her. I don't know why I was so stubborn about it sometimes. I just hope I didn't mess something up that was intended to last. Please let whoever I marry to be the perfect woman for me. And I want to be the perfect guy for her. I am trying really hard to trust You about her. I just think about her a lot, and miss a whole lot of things about her. I really liked her a lot. She had a lot of characteristics that I think I want my wife to have. Anyway, thinking about her just hurts so much. It just hurts that she's not in my life anymore. And I've been trying to build a better friendship with another person...who is close to her. Of course, You know who I'm talking about. But, I just feel like that is not going well at all. I feel like she never really wants to hang out with me, and I'm always the one who will call her or text her. I dunno...it's just hard too because she is close to the girl that is the source of so much of my hurt. I talked to her about it briefly, and she said she is just always so busy. But, she always finds time to text her, or write on her wall on facebook, and go have lunch with her...but not me. I know their relationship is more important, but it just makes me feel sad.

I feel so alone. No one knows me, or really gives a flip about me. Okay, that's a lie. I know my family loves me a lot. And I can think of two friends who I know care about my well being. But, Lord, I still feel utterly alone. People always make fun of things I say. No one cares about what I think or what I have to say. No one really cares whether I'm there, or not. I just feel like I'm continually in the background. I'm so tired of this. I want to be special, and important, and noticed. I want people to stop misunderstanding me. It just sucks. I feel like I'm worth nothing. I know you tell me that's not true, Lord. But, honestly, it's hard to FEEL that when everything else is telling me differently except for the Bible. Yes, I believe the Bible. But, I guess...I'm trying to think how to explain this. So, I'll sit down and read some things in the Bible. And I'll read in the Psalms about how you knew me before I was born, and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And I get very encouraged, and I feel loved. But, then I go throughout my day, and I just get beat down. And Lord, it's just hard to cling to those words on a page, when everything else tells me over and over again that I'm just a speck on this huge earth. I don't know the solution to this. I know You do, though. I'm just going to try to continue to seek you with all that I have, and I'm just asking...please show me that I'm valuable and loved. I'm tired of feeling worthless.

It's been really rough this semester too because of my classes. They are a lot of work, and sometimes I don't feel like I even have time to be a normal person, because I'm an engineer. I think that's honestly part of the reason I'm having such a hard time with everything right now. I feel like I can't enjoy my classes or the people in them at all, because I'm just working so hard. And in my engineering classes, most of the people are just so different from me. It makes me feel even more alone. I just feel like a machine that's working to produce "good results". But I'm not that. I want to be able to enjoy my classes, and make friends with the people in them. I want to be able to understand what I'm doing in them, instead of always feeling like I'm struggling so hard to just barely keep up with the content and homework. I feel like it's just consuming my life. I need to be able to live. I know school is very important. Please just help it not to consume me right now. I want to enjoy my life. Please give me understanding of ALL my classes, even numerical methods, and help me to be able to balance my school and...well, living life. I want to be successful in school, and still enjoy life at the same time. I know that that is possible. Please help me with that. Guide every moment of my days. I should start working very soon, probably this week, and so that will add a new element to my life. I'm pretty sure I can handle it, though. Please just help me to balance that too.

I have so so so many questions. Everything is just so confusing to me right now. Please help me, Lord. I'm so desperate. There are so many things I need help with, that I didn't even mention in writing this. But You know. You know the things that I don't even know that I need. Please show me truth, and take away all lies. Please encourage me, and provide for me. I feel like every day I just ask You for so many things. But, I don't think I should feel bad about that, Lord. You tell me to come to you with my anxiety. And right now, I have a lot of it. So, please, just answer my prayers. Help me, bring CLARITY. Bring me PEACE. Give me rest. Calm down my anxious mind that runs so fast. Please work out every single little detail in my life. Please show me that my life is not a tragedy. I want it to be abundant, like you promise you can give to me. I'm asking for that abundant life, Lord. Help me to be willing and able to let go of the things that hold me down, and trust You. Heal my heart. It needs to be patched up.

Please keep me away from sin, too, Lord. And please keep me in your Word and in prayer with You. Keep that hunger for You in me. Don't let me for one moment forget about You or try to make it my own. Because I can't.

I need You, Lord. Please answer my prayers. Thank you for your faithfulness, and for all the blessings and answers to prayer that You've given me. Forgive me for not seeing some of the blessings You have given me. Open my eyes to what You're doing, and signs of Your faithfulness and answers to prayer.