crimson and cloverrrr...over...and overr

Hm...I'm listening to a song called "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift. (thanks ms. taylor). Eh, it's a girl singing a country song, is that weird that I like it? I think it's a good song. Just, if I ever like a country song where a girl is singing I feel less masculine for liking it or something. There is a point to all this, though. The lyrics in this song made me realize how much of a sucker I am for lyrics. Sometimes they're really meaningful or profound, or in this song's case...they just remind me of something that I really enjoyed, or make me look forward to meeting my wife, or making memories with people that I'll never forget.

Thinking about all of that made me think about something I realized this semester. For the longest time I thought I was an optimist. But, I realized this semester that I'm actually an idealist, not an optimist. Being an idealist is kinda cool, sometimes, though. It makes things easy to hope for. I dunno, I like who I am. I guess I don't always like who I am, but I'm glad God made the way He did. But yeah, in conclusion, I'm an idealist. Idealists are cool. But...yeah, it gets me into trouble sometimes.

If you ever see me driving around in College Station, I'll probably be singing. It's because my voice isn't so great, and it's the only place where no one else can hear me for sure. So, if you see me...don't make fun of me. Singing in the car is where it's at.

Life...

I just found out tonight that one of my friends from high school died last week. She took her own life. Honestly, I don't think we had talked since high school, but she was a student council officer with me, so we saw each other pretty much every day for a year, and went on trips together and all that. It's just really weird to me...I've never had anyone that I saw on a regular basis at one point in my life die. It just kind of puts things in perspective. I was reading her facebook wall, and all the things that people had said on there after she died. Things like "I wish I would've gotten to know you better" or "I wish I would've known you were struggling"...just kind of changes your view of things. It just made me realize more that people we love could be here one day and gone the next. I always know that in the back of my head, but this kind of just made it more real to me. It's really sad. I just feel really sad for her family and close friends. I can't imagine how her parents and siblings feel to have someone so close to them taken so unexpectedly. It makes me think about the reality of heaven and hell too. I just don't want anyone to have to suffer being in hell for eternity. It is not just some made up thing. I'm not saying Jill is not in heaven. I have no idea where her heart was. I just hope that this girl I knew is with Jesus. I really do. I have a lot of doubts sometimes...I don't want those anymore. This has made me realize that I need to stop letting doubts about salvation and God get the best of me. I always think about some quote I heard about once. This is probably a really rough paraphrase, but it was from a guy who was an atheist. He said something to the effect of "If I believed what Christians claim about salvation, I would crawl on broken glass throughout the world to tell those who didn't have it." Basically...the message of salvation that Jesus brought is so amazing, such salvation from eternity in hell and damnation, and instead such love, grace, and abundant, eternal life. And it really is. I guess Paul understood that fully. He didn't let anything stop him from spreading that amazing news. I wonder what it is that keeps us as Christians from literally crawling on broken glass to tell everybody about the salvation that God offers us. Sure, sometimes the best way to tell this to someone is just to show them love, because they're tired of hearing about it. But, are we just lazy sometimes? Maybe just complacent? Do we really believe in the salvation we claim we have? I know I'm guilty of all of those things. I just don't want to be missing out on something that I should be doing right now. If there's anything holding me back, I want it taken off. I always think about when something bad like Jill's death happens, that God is using it for something for His glory. That maybe He is saving lives through that, or opening people's eyes, or doing something...some eternal work. Well, I know that just in me, Jill's death has opened up my eyes to these things, and I hope it changes me beyond just words.

If I gave you my hand
Would you take it and make me the happiest man in the world?

Yes, things do get old after a while.

women...ugh

I don't really understand girls. It seems like all my relationships with girls are just very shallow, and at the surface. They don't really get deep. I hate that...I like deep relationships. And anytime I get deep with a girl, it's great. I mean, it doesn't happen much, but when it does, I really enjoy it. It's really nice to get to know that person, and share stuff with her that I don't really tell other people. And just be open and myself, and have fun being with each other...not really worrying about stuff you worry about with other people. But, somehow, it always seems to end. And then, you find yourself never really talking to that person anymore. This person that you shared a deep part of you with is gone, and you're expected to be okay with that. I just find it hard to accept that someone you loved being with and shared a big part of yourself with, you're supposed to act like they are just another ordinary person. I can't do that, because to me, they aren't ordinary. They held a special place in my heart, and I will never think of them as just an ordinary friend or person ever again. I just can't do that. Sure, I'll move on, but I just can't think of them and not feel a tiny bit of pain, because I miss them. And when these relationships are over, and things are settled down and life is back to normal, it's time to move on and meet new people, make new friends. That's where I find that all my relationships with girls are just...shallow. I want to be real; I want to be myself. But, either being real isn't accepted or good enough...I don't really know, but for whatever reason I just feel like I'm not good enough for a lot of girls. Don't take this the wrong way; I do not find my identity in what girls think of me. But yes, it does matter to me and sometimes I just really wish I could be myself and go beyond the surface. Man, I'm starting to confuse myself now from thinking too much. Basically, I just want to be myself, and have deep, meaningful relationships because of that. And, I say this addressed mainly about girls because I feel like I can be myself with a lot of my closer guy friends, and they accept me and like me for who I am. But, girls...man, I feel like I have no idea what they are thinking, or why they do the things they do. I know there are girls out there who, when I'm around them, I don't feel like they're aliens. I've met them, and my time with them was great. But, for whatever reason, that's over. And I have to just trust that God is going to bring some other amazing people in my life. But for the time being, I go back to where I started - I do not understand girls.

community

I really miss community right now.

I miss Community Church. I miss going there and not worrying about anything, and not feeling so alone every time I step in. Shouldn't I feel the most welcome and surrounded by friends when I'm with my community? I really really want to be in a com group, but every single week there is something holding me back. And to be able to go to the only com group I can be in, I have to sacrifice my Bible study with my neighbors. But, I seriously cannot go on any longer at Community Church feeling this way. I want to look forward to going to church. I'm pretty sure I really really need to join a com group.

I miss Breakaway too...both semesters now I've had work on Tuesday nights every week. And it seems that even if I do have an opportunity to go every now and then, I let something hold me back from going, even though I really miss it.

I really just miss having community with believers. I walked by someone on campus today that goes to my church, and I was pretty excited to see this person. They were on the phone, so I didn't expect them to stop and have a conversation with me, but they acted like they really really just wanted to ignore me, and barely even said hello. It just made me feel kinda crappy. I need fellowship and community. I need to feel at home and welcomed somewhere. And I really need to stop letting this one thing always hold me back. I should be free, because that's what Chris is all about. And I have Christ in my life. So, why do I still feel enslaved to this obsession that takes away from me more than I'm even aware of? I need freedom to not let anything drag me down anymore.

Worship Is...

I can sing all I want to, and still get it wrong,
Because worship is more than a song.


I wish I could come up with this stuff on my own, instead of just copying lyrics that other people wrote. But, it's true, and kinda hit me. I find it really easy to worship God lately with what I say and what I sing, but I think the true worship that pleases Him and glorifies Him is worshiping with my life. With my thoughts, what I say, and my actions. I want to get better at this.

I think a huge way I can worship God is just by loving people. And not saying in my head, I love people, but by showing individual people that I love them, even if I don't know them. It's a really cool mission.

Okay, gotta finish writing my Spanish essay. I've been up too late lately...