help

I woke up this morning, and felt the worst that I have felt in a long time. I don't know how to describe the feeling except that I just woke up and instantly my mind started racing. I started to think about her a lot, and it just made me feel really panicked. And then I just felt panicked and really depressed.

cool...my train of thought just got messed up because my roommate walked in. It's fine...just kinda messed up my thought process. I was really starting to let stuff out too. I guess I'll try to keep going from here.

Basically, at that point, I just felt utterly horrible and just wanted to talk to anybody that could make me feel better. Anything. When I get to that point, the feeling is so horrible I just want to do anything to make the pain stop. Of course, I think about God. God is there. There are times when I feel like this that I open up my Bible and turn to Psalms, and read the despair that David felt. It seems pretty similar to mine a lot of times. It's just so incredibly hard, though. Hard to want to open up a book and read it when you are feeling utterly horrible. I just want to talk to somebody. I know this cannot be my solution, though. People can't say things that will magically make me feel better. And reading Psalms doesn't magically make me feel better, either. It's really hard too when I get plagued with doubts. Because, of course, I doubt the most whenever I need my faith the most. I was just lying awake in bed thinking over and over again about her, and just feeling like I had no idea what to do, and I just wanted to talk to somebody that could help. And I looked over at my Bible, thinking that that is the word of God. But then my doubts crept in. And then I looked at that book, and it was just a book. Why would I want to read a book at a time like this? What I need is somebody to talk to me, to comfort me. To tell me truth. I know that's what the Bible is. Except my mind tries to analyze everything so much that I start to wonder...is the Bible really God speaking? But then I just remembered that verse, "all scripture is God breathed". That helps. I still have doubts, though. But, that is something that I can expect as a Christian, and I know deep down they aren't true. It just makes it so hard when I need to cling to that faith and belief more than anything, to just make it through the day.

I really don't know why this whole thing with her has made me so depressed. I know it's weird...she's just a person. But, I just have such a hard time with things like this. I just cherished our relationship. It was something very special to me. I guess she kind of made me feel like I could trust someone. She was just my best friend, and I loved knowing she was there. I guess why I'm saying all of this is because I, myself, am trying to figure out why this makes me so depressed. I guess I can sum it up pretty easily, by something I got hit hard with yesterday. I used to be the one she loved to be with. I used to be the one she would ask to go with her somewhere, anywhere, because she loved being with me. Just, me. When she thought of Kyle Baker, she smiled. I realized yesterday that I am far from that person now to her. It doesn't really matter whether or not I'm with her. Me being with her doesn't really make her any more or less happy. And I don't mean happy like joy. I mean happy like the kind of feeling you get when you are with people you really love being with. I'm not the one anymore that when she thinks of something exciting she wants to share it with. I'm just kind of normal now. I think that's the thought that makes me really depressed. I loved being special to her. It just hurts.

I think part of the reason I feel so bad this morning is because of last night too. It just made me feel so alone. I actually hung out last night with a bunch of people from my street, and some other friends too. Despite being with all these people, I felt completely alone, overlooked, and not worth much at all. I just felt like nobody really cared what I had to say, or really even noticed that I was there. It just made me feel really lonely. Loneliness is the absolute worst feeling ever experienced.

I don't know if anyone is reading this. But, if you are, I'm sorry if this just seemed like a complete pity for myself post. I just needed to write out how I was feeling, and unfortunately, how I'm feeling right now is pretty grim. I never ever want to feel like this again. Please pray for me. I really need it...I need God to help me out of this pit. I'm pretty sure I can't get out of it by myself.

I just want to fall asleep and forget everything.

Her...

I'm so tired of thinking about her. I don't know if this means something is wrong with me...but I just think about her a lot. It's been worse lately. And I hate when I dream about her the most. It really sucks waking up. I just love being with her. I love talking to her, and just sharing things with her. And I love listening to her. I love never being awkward or embarassed when I'm with her. I love going places with her, and laughing at things with her. And I think she is beautiful. I adore her, and I wish I could stop. I know eventually I can, but it's hard to when I think about all the things I just said. I guess it's just really hard to understand why there can't be an "us" anymore. Apparently we're not right for each other, but maybe I'm too blind to see that. I don't really know anymore.

Maybe I put too much emphasis on romantic relationships, but I just can't wait to be with that person that I love and loves me for our whole lives. I know that marriage, and life, is hard, but I'll have someone I love to go through it with.

I'm reading "Blue Like Jazz" right now, and there's a chapter about romance. It was really cool, because the author talks about his married friend. Basically, what his friend told him is that marriage is not something that finally makes you complete. He thought that when he got married, he would feel complete, and like that person that loves him unconditionally and totally understands him is finally there. He admitted that marriage was great, but it doesn't complete you. Even his wife doesn't totally understand him and know all of his thoughts. Only God does. And I seek sometimes to fulfill that longing for someone to love me, to totally understand me, from someone here on earth. But, I know that not even my wife will know me and love me like God does. I guess that's something I need to get through my head.

Right now, I feel like I'm just going through life blind. I just feel so confused a lot of the time. It's really hard to trust that God is leading me, and that everything that is happening is part of his great plan for my life. There are just so many moments along the way of emptiness, loneliness, confusion, hurt, and frustration. Don't get me wrong, I know life is a great thing. I definitely enjoy it. But, there's just a lot of hurt along the way. When I'm really honest, though, a lot of the hurt I've felt has had to do with a girl. I don't really know what that means. Maybe I put too much emphasis on relationships. Whatever is not right, I want fixed. I don't want to hurt all the time. And I'm afraid that until I get this fixed, I will continue to be hurt very easily. I guess I can't really fix it, though. Well, I can try, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get there without God's help.