Old school Switchfoot is where it's at. I remember when I was 15, thinking "When I get my car and I go for my first drive, I'm going to listen to Switchfoot". And that made me really excited.

I Miss Mayberry.

Whatever happened to leaving comments? I miss them.

music and lyrics

Isn't that the name of a new movie? If it is, well...this isn't about that movie. I just wanted to say that I'm obsessed with music and lyrics. I love music, and even more than the music, I love the words. Every song seems to inspire me differently.

I love listening to Ross King. He's the worship leader most of the time at my church.
Check him out - http://rosskingmusic.com
I really like his lyrics. They're just so true, real, and honest. I feel like when I'm singing the lyrics he writes I am just talking to God one on one and saying exactly what I am feeling to Him. It's good stuff. I really like the song "Great Is Your Love". I kinda hope we sing it in church on Sunday. Hahaha maybe I'll email Ross and ask him if we can do that one.

Oh, by the way, my new job is really funny. I'm a phone survey taker? I'm working again tonight, and the next two days...so I'm sure I'll have some funny stories after that. More about that job later, because I gotta go to class now. Yahoo for class until 4:50 on Friday.

the non-religious me

I couldn’t find You in the sermons
I couldn’t find You in the songs
I couldn’t find You Sunday morning
And that’s when I knew something had gone wrong
I couldn’t see You in the reading
I couldn’t hear You in my prayers
I couldn’t feel You in my feelings
And I began to fear that You weren’t there

Then I thought I heard a sound
Somewhere in me
You said to stoop way down
And that’s where You’d be

I never thought I’d find You here
Way down in my shame and fear
I never thought that You’d draw near to this: my faithlessness
I never thought to look for You
In this ditch that I’ve been crawling through
I never thought You’d listen to the plea
Of the non-religious me

They told me they’d be praying for me
And then they showed me to the door
They made it clear that they’d ignore me
Until I wasn’t struggling anymore
That’s when I started feeling guilty
This must’ve been my fault somehow
If only I’d been stronger, maybe
I would not be in this mess right now

Then I saw a nail-scarred hand
Bleeding on me
You said, “I understand”
And You showed me mercy

I never thought I’d find You here
Way down in my shame and fear
I never thought that You’d draw near to this: my faithlessness
I never thought to look for You
In this valley I’ve been crawling through
I never thought You’d listen to the plea
Of the non-religious me

If we have no room for strugglers
Where are they to go for answers?
Didn’t Jesus ask His Father for another way?
And what does that sayAbout the way we handle
People when they’re faith is fragile?
Even Jesus slipped and stumbled when He
Carried the cross
Now the curse of the law is gone
And in it’s place: amazing grace

Blessed are the poor in spirit
The Kingdom will belong to them
Your love is strong but still they fear that
You would never let them in
God, I am a true believer
Help me overcome my unbelief
I stepped out on the raging water
And now I’m sinking in the sea

I never thought You’d find me here
Drowning in my shame and fear
I never thought that You’d draw near to this: my faithlessness
I never thought to look for You
In this valley I’ve been crawling through
I never thought You’d listen to the plea
Of the non-religious me

Loved.

I may not have a valentine, but I know that I am dearly loved.

It's weird because I was riding the bus back to my car yesterday, and I just felt kinda down in the dumps. I started to think about what in my life was good, and things that can give me hope. And I think the thing God has been trying to show me and keep in my head lately is how much He loves me. I thought about His love for me, and how sometimes it's hard to feel that and believe it wholeheartedly. I figured it would be good to listen to a song that reminded me of his love, so I listened to Sonicflood's version of "I Could Sing of Your Love", and it was really good to listen to that. I started this paragraph saying "it's weird...", so here's the kinda weird thing: when I was listening to that song on the bus, I started thinking "I am dearly loved." And it was really awesome to think about the fact that God loves me so much. So, today I got a call while I was in class from my mom, but I couldn't answer it...because I was in class. Anyway, she left me a voicemail, and in her voicemail she wished me a happy valentine's day and said she just wanted me to know that I am dearly loved by her, and my family, and by God. I just thought that was interesting that she specifically said "dearly loved", when I had just been thinking that same exact thing the day before.

Despite my times of confusion, hurt, loneliness, and a lot of the difficult thoughts and feelings I deal with sometimes, it's good to know that I am dearly loved. I need that. And honestly, God's love is what will get me through this time in my life, and my entire life.

And you are dearly loved too.

Happy Valentine's Day...?

So, I was driving around College Station/Bryan today, takin care of business...so I decided I needed a good CD to listen to. I found this really random CD I burned over a year ago, called "Oh Snap!". Yeah, I used to name my CDs things like that. I didn't remember anything that was on it, but I decided I'd just put it in and see if it was any good. It turned out to be pretty good. But, the funny thing about that was that when I made this CD I put this really random song by Outkast called "Happy Valentine's Day" on it. Someone told me it was a good song, so I downloaded it. It's just kinda weird, but um cool I guess if you're in the right mood. I just thought it was really crazy that I put that CD in and I didn't remember what was on it or anything and it had that Happy Valentine's Day song on it, and today is February 12th. Just kinda random.

So, Happy Valentine's Day!...in 2 days. So far, the thought of Valentine's Day hasn't really gotten me down at all. I'm not excited about Wednesday, but at least I'm not sad about it. I'll take that. To all you who have significant others, have fun buying roses and chocolate and going out to eat. Actually, I think my roommates and neighbors and everybody might have our own Valentine's Day thing...so if that happens, that would be cool.

I got my accutane prescription today, and so I took it to the pharmacy. I was really excited because I just want to get rid of all acne, because it's not cool. So, the lady was like the insurance company is kinda covering it, but they're only saying they'll cover half. Which would leave me paying over 500 dollars. So, of course...I have to get the dermatologist to fax them and convince them to cover it all and just a bunch of junk...hopefully I can get it covered, because I really just want to get on this medicine and get it over with once and for all. Insurance companies are really difficult.

Okay, I got a haircut today, and I have hair in my ears and in my shirt and everywhere else tiny pieces of hair can be, so I have to take a shower before class. Keep it real.

People...

So...I think today, my eyes have slowly been opened up to the people that God has provided in my life. Accountability group was good tonight. I learned that I'm not the only one that feels kinda overlooked sometimes. It always makes things better when you realize that you're not the only one going through that. But, anyway, about people. Maybe sometimes I'm blind to it, but there are people that care about me. There are actually a lot. I guess sometimes I don't feel that or see that because I just feel disconnected and alone sometimes. But, they are definitely there. I asked God to show me, and He did. So, thank You God! I know He is going to continue to bring new people in my life and develop some really cool relationships. So, I'm really looking forward to that.

I think that I'm going to try to get involved in some type of service or ministry. Well, let's just say I was talking to someone today, and I told him a lot of the things I've been struggling with lately. He asked me if I had been serving in any kind of ministry or just any form of serving others. I told him that I hadn't really, aside from just trying to help people in my day to day life, even though I'm not exactly great about that. He told me that it would be good for 2 reasons. First, obviously, it's a great way to glorify and serve God by serving others. The other reason is that well, sometimes I just get really caught up with problems I'm struggling with in my own life. I kinda get consumed by them sometimes. Not that it's bad to take care of yourself and acknowledge things that you are struggling with, but he basically suggested that if I put some of that energy into serving others, it would probably do me a lot of good. And I definitely think that for those two reasons, I'm going to try to get involved with some sort of ministry. I dunno if I'll be able to do something regularly, but at least just try to get out there and serve people. I think it will be really cool. So, I'm really glad that God showed me that opportunity today. If you know of any good ministry/serving opportunities, let me know.

Haha so, after I write this paragraph, it might look kinda stupid, but my spanish professor said something just really random today in class that made me laugh. It was funnier in person because he has an accent, and it just sounded funnier coming from a guy with an accent. But, he was telling us that basically our first essays we had turned in were not very good. So, he's like ... "it's kinda like when you go to a barbeque place...and you order...ehhh a T-bone steak. So, you get your steak, and there is a little bit of spaghetti on the plate too. And you are like, why is this spaghetti here?? It doesn't belong on a plate with a T-bone. It's the same way with some of your compositions. You put random sentences that don't belong with that paragraph. And I don't know why they are there." First off...I'm pretty sure at a barbeque place they don't serve T-bones. At least when I worked at C&J's, they didn't...but it was just such a random analogy it was really funny. I hope that made sense, and that it was funny to you too.

Hm...gettin kinda late. I should be asleep. I kinda like writing in this blog again...it's kinda cool. Writing is definitely good stuff. But yeah, sleep.

Oh, yeah, before I finish writing...I thought I'd just say I love Thursdays. You know all day that the next day is Friday, and Friday is cool because it's the last day of school for that week. It's just...good stuff. Looking forward to having a couple days of no school.

Ok, for real, bye.

I'm trying to figure out life.

When I Can't Handle Thinking Anymore

So, I said I wasn't going to write in this blog anymore. It only took one day for me to decide that wasn't true.

Well, I was lying in bed, and I just couldn't stop thinking, about literally everything. I kinda started to pray, but I felt like it just wasn't going well. I need to either talk to somebody or write out what's going on. I decided that I'm going to write stuff out, kind of as a prayer. So, God, this is to you, I don't know if it will make sense. I hope I can write all the crazy thoughts and emotions that are going through my mind. Please allow me to. I need to let this stuff out.

God, I just flat out do not understand life. Here's what it comes down to. It seems like I'm hurting all the time. Lord, I feel so incredibly empty. I feel SO alone, and empty. Why won't you take that emptiness away. I have cried out to You for so long, and I still feel the same. I am plagued day, and night, with thoughts about her. It just drives me crazy. And it just hurts so badly. So, basically, concerning her: I miss her, Lord. I'm trying so hard to totally trust You that You are in control of every relationship in my life. But I can't deny that I miss being close to her. After I read that AIM convo that I had saved from this past summer last night, I thought a lot about some stuff too. Like...I just hope I didn't mess something up that was intended to be good, and to last. Lord, I make so many mistakes. I really really really want to stop making the same stupid mistakes over and over again. You have to know that I mean that earnestly, Lord. I dunno, just after reading that convo, I just felt so horrible about it. It was a fight, and I felt horrible about things I said in there. I wish really badly that I could go back to that day and just go about that conversation differently. I did things that were wrong this summer, and it hurt You, and it hurt her. I don't know why I was so stubborn about it sometimes. I just hope I didn't mess something up that was intended to last. Please let whoever I marry to be the perfect woman for me. And I want to be the perfect guy for her. I am trying really hard to trust You about her. I just think about her a lot, and miss a whole lot of things about her. I really liked her a lot. She had a lot of characteristics that I think I want my wife to have. Anyway, thinking about her just hurts so much. It just hurts that she's not in my life anymore. And I've been trying to build a better friendship with another person...who is close to her. Of course, You know who I'm talking about. But, I just feel like that is not going well at all. I feel like she never really wants to hang out with me, and I'm always the one who will call her or text her. I dunno...it's just hard too because she is close to the girl that is the source of so much of my hurt. I talked to her about it briefly, and she said she is just always so busy. But, she always finds time to text her, or write on her wall on facebook, and go have lunch with her...but not me. I know their relationship is more important, but it just makes me feel sad.

I feel so alone. No one knows me, or really gives a flip about me. Okay, that's a lie. I know my family loves me a lot. And I can think of two friends who I know care about my well being. But, Lord, I still feel utterly alone. People always make fun of things I say. No one cares about what I think or what I have to say. No one really cares whether I'm there, or not. I just feel like I'm continually in the background. I'm so tired of this. I want to be special, and important, and noticed. I want people to stop misunderstanding me. It just sucks. I feel like I'm worth nothing. I know you tell me that's not true, Lord. But, honestly, it's hard to FEEL that when everything else is telling me differently except for the Bible. Yes, I believe the Bible. But, I guess...I'm trying to think how to explain this. So, I'll sit down and read some things in the Bible. And I'll read in the Psalms about how you knew me before I was born, and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And I get very encouraged, and I feel loved. But, then I go throughout my day, and I just get beat down. And Lord, it's just hard to cling to those words on a page, when everything else tells me over and over again that I'm just a speck on this huge earth. I don't know the solution to this. I know You do, though. I'm just going to try to continue to seek you with all that I have, and I'm just asking...please show me that I'm valuable and loved. I'm tired of feeling worthless.

It's been really rough this semester too because of my classes. They are a lot of work, and sometimes I don't feel like I even have time to be a normal person, because I'm an engineer. I think that's honestly part of the reason I'm having such a hard time with everything right now. I feel like I can't enjoy my classes or the people in them at all, because I'm just working so hard. And in my engineering classes, most of the people are just so different from me. It makes me feel even more alone. I just feel like a machine that's working to produce "good results". But I'm not that. I want to be able to enjoy my classes, and make friends with the people in them. I want to be able to understand what I'm doing in them, instead of always feeling like I'm struggling so hard to just barely keep up with the content and homework. I feel like it's just consuming my life. I need to be able to live. I know school is very important. Please just help it not to consume me right now. I want to enjoy my life. Please give me understanding of ALL my classes, even numerical methods, and help me to be able to balance my school and...well, living life. I want to be successful in school, and still enjoy life at the same time. I know that that is possible. Please help me with that. Guide every moment of my days. I should start working very soon, probably this week, and so that will add a new element to my life. I'm pretty sure I can handle it, though. Please just help me to balance that too.

I have so so so many questions. Everything is just so confusing to me right now. Please help me, Lord. I'm so desperate. There are so many things I need help with, that I didn't even mention in writing this. But You know. You know the things that I don't even know that I need. Please show me truth, and take away all lies. Please encourage me, and provide for me. I feel like every day I just ask You for so many things. But, I don't think I should feel bad about that, Lord. You tell me to come to you with my anxiety. And right now, I have a lot of it. So, please, just answer my prayers. Help me, bring CLARITY. Bring me PEACE. Give me rest. Calm down my anxious mind that runs so fast. Please work out every single little detail in my life. Please show me that my life is not a tragedy. I want it to be abundant, like you promise you can give to me. I'm asking for that abundant life, Lord. Help me to be willing and able to let go of the things that hold me down, and trust You. Heal my heart. It needs to be patched up.

Please keep me away from sin, too, Lord. And please keep me in your Word and in prayer with You. Keep that hunger for You in me. Don't let me for one moment forget about You or try to make it my own. Because I can't.

I need You, Lord. Please answer my prayers. Thank you for your faithfulness, and for all the blessings and answers to prayer that You've given me. Forgive me for not seeing some of the blessings You have given me. Open my eyes to what You're doing, and signs of Your faithfulness and answers to prayer.

This Blog Is Dead

If anyone cares, I am done writing in this blog.